Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How to get fired or promoted

Depending on whom you work for this will either get you fired or promoted:

1) Tell offensive jokes that target every race, religion, age, sex and more. Then get deeply offended when someone else tells one.

2) Take a two-hour lunch everyday. If possible eat at your desk playing video games, listening to loud music (Christmas carols if you have them), and talk on the speaker phone with a very personal call.

3) Show up late, have your two-hour lunch, go home.

4) Show up in anything but what the dress code is. Shorts and a tee shirt or club wear goes nice. If you do wear something that is in the dress code make sure it is all mismatched, rumpled and only half done up or on. Cross dressing will probably get you promoted before being fired because companies don’t want the legal headache of a possible discrimination lawsuit.

5) Spend your day talking on the phone with your friends, family and significant other. Use the speakerphone when ever possible. Have at least one very private personal conversation a day. Glair at everyone who looks like they are listening and say things like “What is your problem, don’t you have your own life you have to listen in on mine.” Then talk even louder.

6) Pass your work onto the next person only half done, put notes on it about how you would like it done. If they pass it back to you criticize them for the terrible job they did on it as loudly as you can.

7) Repeatedly go back to your boss asking, “so how do I do this again?” Each time you go into his or her office talk louder, look more confused, hold your paper work upside down or bring in the wrong paper work.

8) Ask the boss or the boss’s significant other, or children out for a date.

9) Spend your day making paper airplanes and seeing who’s cubical they will land in.

10) Randomly hold soapbox derby’s using office chairs. Try to get others involved. If no one will, have a race around the office to try and beat your last score. Make sure you do the celebratory lap throwing water on everyone and screaming I won at the top of your lungs.

11) Complain about everyone, and everything they are doing and then do what you just complained about.

12) Show up everyday in some outrageous costume and then refuse to dress up for Halloween.

13) Call in sick every Friday, and then hung over Monday.

14) Call in once a week with a sick kid, this works best if you don’t have kids.

15) Bring your kids to work and then try and get everyone else to watch him or her so you can do your work. If someone does watch them don’t do any work.

16) Bring your pet in. Set it up in someone else’s cubical. Place the litter box (if there is one) outside your supervisor’s office door. Spend your day talking to your pet and taking it for walks. This works great with real pets but to take it to the next level bring in a pet rock, talk to it and take it for walks, dress it up in different outfits and ask people for their opinion on each one.

17) Make your cubical a home away from home. Bring in a bar fridge, hot plate, microwave, couch or bunk bed, clothing rack, TV and a stereo. Start inviting people over, spend the night, and have a party.

18) Fill your garbage can and recycle box with empty alcohol bottles. See if you can balance empty beer cans around the top of your cubical, then build a wall to make an office. If this does not work, bring in a water gun or elastic shooter and tell everyone you are doing target practice for when you bring in your BB gun. Start shooting at the beer cans with the water gun or elastic shooter yelling "Incoming".

19) Start running a book making business from your cubical (taking money bets), run an online betting site on your work computer, have poker games in the lunch room all day. Invite VIP’s to play at them.

20) Paint your cubical. This works great if you use different colors for the outside and inside. Offer to paint everyone’s cubicles.

21) If all else fails throw all your paper work in the air screaming “I can’t take this anymore, you are all to normal!” and start taking off your clothing as you run around in a big circle crying. (When in doubt flip out)

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